What the hell is LinkedIn?

I know what LinkedIn wants to be. It wants to be the amalgamation of Facebook and Monster.com. A place where you can network online without the cocktail party. It lets peers see your resume and recommend it and you to prospective employers. In theory, this is a workable idea, but in practice it's akin to cutting your bare chest with glass in order to get noticed at a club.

LinkedIn wants to be the professional Facebook even though Facebook already is the professional Facebook. Every company is thinking about how to incorporate Facebook and Twitter into their marketing and publicity. Everybody my age and up has a Facebook account and edits it because they know it's the online face they present to their employers both real and imagined. If you Google yourself and you aren't famous, your Facebook comes up in the top five search results. Privacy settings aside, you don't put anything on Facebook you don't want floating around at your job. You're probably friends with your coworkers, and if you have clients/authors/musicians to represent/edit/produce then you probably have a Facebook connection with them. Drunk photos of you whipping out your sexual organs at a drug deal turned wacky are not going on your Facebook.

This doesn't mean that you can't relax on Facebook; you just have to decide how much of yourself goes into it unedited. You can still relax by tagging funny photos of moving into a new apartment or Halloween costumes that make you look slightly more interesting than Business Casual Friday. LinkedIn offers no opportunity to relax. Every step you take on LinkedIn is measured by a completeness percent that includes uploading your resume, getting recommendations from peers, writing objective statements, and outlining your specialties. It's all about building the perfect sales pitch masquerading as a social networking profile. For those looking for work, every step is a desperate attempt for someone to notice and employ you. The flip side is that it's a great way to brag about your success to people who will never, ever take the time to be impressed by your profile.

It wants to be a more social and relaxed Monster.com, but all the pressure of creating a profile has just made it socially dysfunctional. LinkedIn drags out the awkward feeling of trying to network at a professional open bar over the course of days thanks to all the profiles you have to connect to, recommend, and get recommended by. It's socialization marred by the implication that you're only here because you want something. You're on LinkedIn because you need a job or you need to show off what you have. The worst part is that LinkedIn rarely gets any worthwhile job opportunities out there. The anxious hours you spend crafting your useless LinkedIn profile probably will get you nothing in return. The ten minutes you spend uploading a resume to Monster.com or Indeed.com will at least get lots of positions to apply to. A website dedicated to careers should be able to deliver jobs to the user at a rate higher than the average rainfall in Arizona. You could use LinkedIn instead of Monster.com, but that would be like a hospital using leeches instead of an MRI.

I've found the perfect gun.

Despite this having nothing to do with the Punisher, I think this may be the perfect weapon. I found this on Neatorama. It is an axe with a flint lock pistol built into the handle so that even after being fired, it's still a weapon. I know what question you're about to ask. "If this isn't for the Punisher, who deserves the perfect weapon?" He's steam punk, and he's a Grant Morrison creation brought to life by artist Doug Mahnke. Frankenstein will shoot you in the chest with this pistol, and then he'll chop off your head. The cherry on the murder sundae is that he'll be quoting Milton's Paradise Lose at the same time.

The NYT should look in the mirror

because it's got something brown on it's nose.

I was amazed to see, in the book, your original handwritten lyrics to “My Freeze Ray,” which contain no crossed-out words, changes or even misspellings. Did all the songs emerge from your head fully-formed like Athena?
- an interview with Joss Whedon by Dave Itkoff

I like Joss Whedon. I'm sure you like Joss Whedon, and Dave definitely likes Joss Whedon. That's great because Joss is funny, talented, and keeps making things that we can all enjoy.* I'm also certain that this kiss ass "Athena" question is intended as jokingly over the top admiration. It's just there is a problem when you're making a joke; the reader is supposed to laugh. My eyes rolled so hard that I have whiplash. It might just work better spoken aloud where inflection can give more depth than "I love your genius so much that it borders on religion". I'm certain that Joss could make that joke work, but that's the problem with trying to be whedonesque. We all like Joss because he's better at what he does than we'll ever be.

*I am excluding most of Buffy Season 8 from this statement.

I don't need drugs when I have BAXTER/REXTAB.

I would like to congratulate Dan Slott and Javier Pulido for making my eyes hurt. In Amazing Spider-man #658, Spidey and the FF travel forward in time to when the super science types of that era have built the future version of the Baxter Building, "Baxter/Rextab, the first ever palindromical architecture." Just look at it. It's beautiful.
The part of my brain that's been forever altered by ten years of reading Grant Morrison instantly fell in love with it.

DC just caught up to 2009

Remember Might Muggs? Yes, these adorable but slightly fetus-like collectable homunculi were all over the place . They may not be as popular as they once were, but guess what? DC Comics has there own knock off Mighty Mugs coming out from Mezco! They're called Mez-Itz, and I'm sure you can't wait to get one!Or maybe DC missed the peak of this collector's fad by almost two years. Many collector's realized vinyl figures like Muggs (and therefore Mez Itz) were a black hole for money that wasn't something you could rationalize in this economy. Hasbro doesn't even make Mighty Muggs anymore. They look nice, but lots of nerds have already sold off their Muggs to pay for last year's convention tickets. Unless they plan on releasing these backwards through time; I don't see much demand.

What I'm Reading 4/13/11

Amazing Spider-man #658
Writer: Dan Slott
Art: Javier Pulido
Colors: Muntsa Vicente & Javier Rodriguez

I'm enjoying the direction that Slott has taken with Spider-man. Peter Parker used to try desperately to keep up with his many responsibilities, but he always struggled to get ahead in life while juggling his career, his family, his friends, and being Spider-man. His new research job is more than enough to fix all of the problems you'd find in Parker's life normally. This new, successful Pete could live comfortably because Slott's created a impossibly perfect dream job. Peter can come and go as he pleases, and his office even comes with private storage space for his costume. Peter's new girlfriend even works with the police so she keeps hours as strange as his. They even leave to investigate crimes at the same time.

I would accuse Slott of trying too hard to make Pete's life too easy, but instead this has become an excellent example of how Peter is his own worst enemy. Instead of taking it easy, Peter's sense of responsibility motivates him to do as much as humanly possible with his new resources. He's joining a second super team, loosing a super power, and being more aggressive about his Spider-man duties. Slott's take on Spider-man is a man that will always push himself to the breaking point. He doesn't know how to relax, and I enjoy watching Peter make trouble for himself. He would never neglect a responsibility to make his life easier, and out of his friendship with the deceased Human Torch, he joins the Fantastic Four this issue. Javier Pulido goes from personal, to cosmic, to comedy, and back again with skill and ease; I'm very impressed with his ability to draw both Spider-man's NYC and the FF's cosmic world so well. I also love how cute he makes some of the characters. Slott and Pulido create a series of bizarre little sci-fi problems for the team to solve, and it ends with Peter screwing up his personal life. It's all Pete's fault, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Rating: 7/10

PunisherMAX #12
Writer: Jason Aaron
Art: Steve Dillon
Colors: Matt Hollingsworth

Jason Aaron (writes Scalped, and you should read it) has done an amazing job of following Garth Ennis' character defining run on the title. He's kept the dark humor, but moved into a much more personal and long term story for Frank Castle. The Punisher has been at war with the Kingpin and Bullseye for over a year in publishing time, and the fight has left Frank Castle physically and mentally broken. The only thing keeping Frank alive is his reputation; he's not even interested in defending himself anymore.

We don't see or even hear about the antagonists that have been troubling Frank for so long because he's main interest is his past. In the previous issue, Bullseye finally made the Punisher realize the kind of man he really was to his family. Trapped in traction, Castle keeps flashing back to his family life after the war, and he's finally aware of how much he failed as a father and a husband due to his time in Vietnam. The perfect family life that he lost is a lie he's been telling himself, and I think we're going to get some dark issues centered around PTSD. I'd expect this from the man that dedicated several issues of his Vertigo book to parallel plots involving abortion and heroin addiction. That arc made Scalped the feel good read of 2010.

This issue is a big change of pace from the previous twelve, but thankfully Steve Dillon is on art. He's great with action, but subtle, emotional, conversation scenes are his greatest strengths. I still look back at Preacher and marvel at how well he handles the long conversations and vast range of emotions in that title. The real downside is that this is four dollars for twenty-two pages, and it's part one of a larger arc. I have faith in Aaron's ability to make this a great arc, but it's still a slow expensive start. The upside is that the more I read it, the more I like it.

Rating: 8/10

T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #6
Writer: Nick Spencer
Pencils: CAFU
Inks: BIT
Colors: Santiago Arcas

I'm really enjoying T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents, and I recommend that you pick up the collected edition when it hits stores. It doesn't matter if you never heard of this property before; everything you need to know is in this ongoing. The UN has its own superheroes, but their artificial super powers slowly kill them. The art and writing have been wonderful, and I just know that the trade will make a great read.

However, this issue is little on the light side, and it feels even less eventful than PunisherMax despite having much more action. It's an epilogue to the first story arc, and it repeats a few things that the reader already knows. The second half introduces some new elements for the next plot, but the issue just reads too quickly. I complained about Punisher being four dollars, but even at the lower price of three dollars, I blew threw this too quickly, in less than ten minutes. It's a shame because I loved the previous issues.

Rating: 6/10

I don't need drugs when I have Adventure Time

I know it just looks like an elephant wearing Bollywood Tron cosplay, but
it's so much more than that.
It's the Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant.
It flies, and its tusks are rifles.

What I'm Reading 4/6/10

Herc #1
Writers: Greg Pak &
Fred Van Lente
Pencils: Neil Edwards
Inks: Scott Hanna
Colors: Jesus Aburtov

A new #1 for Hercules comes with a new direction. Hercules is now mortal, but instead of trying to regain his divinity, he's fighting evil as a mortal man with some magic weapons from Greek mythology. Edwards does a terrific job with the Grecian Urn style panels that explain where each item comes from. With a lesser creative team this would be a rather pathetic attempt at making a character relatable, but thankfully, we get a story that focuses on Hercules' indomitable spirit and the world of mythology that he hails from. Being a hero is what he does, and he won't quit just because he stopped being bullet proof. If he can't fight Ares head to head on Olympus, he'll fight the disciples of Ares on the subway. However, he actually does have one of his divine abilities left; he can hear his followers praying for his help. It keeps Hercules grounded in his mythic roots, and it's a great representation of how he can never let go of his heroic obligations.

Another thing he can't let go of is his legendary abilities as a ladies man. Even without his divinity, being a seven foot tall, muscle man goes well with the women of NYC. It did make me think of one idea I'd love to see: the Hercules Safe Sex PSA. It's finally Marvel's chance to one up that time that Death and John Constantine put a condom on a banana.

Rating: 8/10

The Amazing Spider-man #657
Writer: Dan Slott
Artists: Marcos Martin, Ty Templeton, Nuno Plati, & Stefano Caselli
Colors: Muntsa Vicente, Javier Rodriguez, Nuno Plati, & Marte Gracia

Slott's run on Spider-man has won me over because it's fun and it looks gorgeous. I would date this book it looks so fine. I can't give enough credit to Stephen Wacker for bringing some great artists out of obscurity and getting them on this book. The art alone makes this a title worth reading; Marcos Martin for one has proven to be one of the best artists at Marvel since he started drawing Spider-man over a year ago. This issue uses several short stories to show case Spidey's relationship with the Fantastic Four, and it makes use of some great established talent like Ty Templeton along with some of Marvel's more recent finds.

Spidey and the FF are getting over the death of the Human Torch, but Slott wisely avoids doing a solemn tribute issue. He instead has the characters reflect on what they liked about Johnny Storm, and we get fun little stories full of pranks, space travel, and underpants that remind us how much fun a goofy super hero comic can be. It's a very smart move since Spidey just went through the death of a supporting cast member, and two funerals in two months would have ventured too close to self parody. Spider-man is a character that often gets moved too far into moody melodrama, but this is a great little story about moving forward with the help of your friends.

Rating: 7/10

Incognito: Bad Influences #5
Writer: Ed Brubaker
Art/Letters: Sean Philips
Colors: Val Staples

I only have one complaint about Incognito, but it's not really a complaint. I think that many of the ideas that Brubaker and Philips couldn't fit into Sleeper's brief run became Incognito, and I'm fine with that. I really love Sleeper and it has never read like it was cut short to me, but I assume that's because the creative team knew how low the sales were and planned accordingly. It's great to see more work from Brubaker and Philips in the vein of Sleeper, but I can't help but compare the two. Incognito:Bad Influences especially feels like the third season of Sleeper that we'll never get to read. It doesn't weaken the book for me, but it does take me out of the story. I keep trying to imagine Sleeper's Holden Carver into this book, but that's just me being silly.

I could blog all freaking day about how much I love the Brubaker/Philips team, but I'll keep it short because that's what I promised to do for Lent. It's a great unexpected ending to a very strange and twisted plot. I highly recommend it and anything from the creative team.

Rating: 9/10

I don't need drugs when I have Superjail!

All of my experiences with shrooms combined were not as trippy as one episode of Superjail! This includes the time I described my college dorm as being like a sandwich because the walls were like bread.

A Hitler to Spare

The intersection of the real world with the fantastic is what makes a great superhero comic to me. Comics can tell wonderful true life stories and historical fictions such as Hudini The Handcuff King, but when it comes to superheroes, I don't need realism. I prefer every aspect of the real world touched by the superheroes to become stranger and, in my eyes, better.

This brings me to a little story I've begun calling The Tale of the Extraneous Hitler!, but it's actually called The Exhibit by Frank Tieri (writer) Paul Azaceta (art), Matt Wilson (colors), and Joe Caramagna (letters) from Captain America #616.

This is a Captain America comic, and it should surprise no one that he's chasing down Hitler because that's what he's done since 1941. However, there is a twist. Just in case you didn't notice Steve Roger's iPad in the picture, this story is set in 2011. Captain America is hot on the trail of a runaway Adolf Hitler clone, but it's not just any clone of Hitler. It's an extra Hitler clone that a mad scientist forgot about.

As a metaphor, Captain America represents the good aspects of our great nation trying to put the legacy of Nazi hate to rest. In terms of plot, Captain America fights many, many clones of Hitler. Look at this picture on the left. That's a hydroponic Hitler farm being grown by Arnim Zola, the ex-Nazi with his face in his chest and a camera for a head. He's growing Hitlers for every day of the freaking week. There are more Hitlers than he knows what to do with. It's The Boys from Brazil crossbred with Costco. He's grown so many damn Hitlers that he lost one, and nobody noticed until years later. That's how crazy Cap's life is; Hitler clones are like coffee mugs. You misplace one because you have so damn many.

Let's imagine how history textbooks have to end their chapters on World War Two in the Marvel Universe.

Adolf Hitler's reign as Fuehrer of the Third Reich came to end as Allied forces and the superhero team called The Invaders secured Berlin. Hitler committed suicide rather that be taken alive; his clothes were burned by the Human Torch, an android that could fly and shoot fire at Nazis. Hitler's brain was kept alive in a robot body by Nazi scientists who also cloned him many times, however they were never able to recreate their wartime strength despite the series of secret South American labs uncovered by various government agents and superheroes.

This is historical fact in the fake little world of Captain America. I can imagine a history major in college doing quite the thesis on the many attempts to clone Hitler. I'm sure some children learn about Hitler clones in grade school and have nightmares. Their parents have to remind them that Captain America will always be there to stop Hitler clones no matter where they pop up.

Except in this story, Captain America meets the forgotten ersatz Hitler and discovers that the clone doesn't have Hitler's memories. Cap decides to leave him alone because he believes in nurture over nature. He won't condemn someone based on where they came from over who they are. That's a very hopeful attitude he takes, but it may have helped if he checked out the clone's apartment.All I'm asking is that you take a little peek in the guy's house before you leave him alone. Just to be absolutely sure.

Guest Starring Ben Franklin

I really like comics, and I hope you know how to read them.

Back when the Watchmen movie was about to unleash it's mediocrity on viewing audiences world wide, I knew more than a few people who picked up Watchmen in a bookstore and made it their first graphic novel. Because I love to talk about comics, these people asked me the same question, and they had nothing to do with Watchmen's complex alternate history, how Doctor Manhattan viewed time, or Alan Moore's beard.

Do I read the words first, or do I look at the picture first?

I had never thought of this as a problem. After I first learned to read The Cat in the Hat all by myself, I moved right into comics. (Let it be known that I was so damn good that my rendition of The Cat in the Hat made my father cry.) My dad was reading comics during the late sixties and into the early seventies, and he saw nothing wrong with them during my formative years. During the third grade, he bought me a paperback of the first 6 issues of Amazing Spider-man that is still on my bookshelf. I'll get to how important that was in my life another time. Comics have been a regular part of my literary diet since then, and I read them as easily as I digest the New York Times. I've had to read quite a bit to understand my comic reading instincts. Allow me to share what my studies have taught me.

I have a sexy example of how to read a comic involving Ben Franklin. Please bear with me.

The short answer to how you read a comic is this:

1. Go one panel at a time.
2.Look at the picture in each panel.
3. Read the text from top left to bottom right.
4. Look at the picture again with the writing in mind.
5. Next panel, repeat 1-4

There is also a much longer answer. It's not how you read a comic, but it's how the comic is made. Scott McCloud calls comics "the invisible art" because your eye should be led from image to words without you realizing it.

This first panel has Ben's arm reaching from off panel towards the candle. Your eye follows the action of his hand reaching for the flame. Along the way you read Ben's dialog because it's been placed along the path of action.

The bottom left corner of this panel also juts out slightly in the second panel pointing to Ben's hand putting out the flame. Ben's sentence has also been divided between these two panels creating a distinct moment that successfully blends words and pictures. It doesn't really matter which comes first because the two are working quite well together.

The final panel skips a few things and gets right to Ben Franklin about to kiss his lady friend, Clea. Your mind is supposed to fill in the blanks of him walking towards her. The most interesting part to me is the placement of the word balloon. Instead of putting it in the blank spot over Clea's head, it was put in the bottom right hand corner of the page. It draws the reader's eye from the candle across the two lovers and down to the text. It also creates a reason for you to turn the page, but this may only apply to the Ben Franklin slash fiction fans that I will never, ever Google.

The long answer also cannot ignore the creators because it's their talent that made this possible. This page was from Doctor Strange vol. 2 #18, and it was the specific choices of it's creative team that gave this scene its flow. Allow me to give credit then to Steve Englehart (writer), Gene Colan (penciler), Tom Palmer (inker), Petra Goldberg (colorist), Denise Wohl (letterer), and Archie Goodwin (editor) for their good work with the completely insane idea that people wanted to read about Ben Franklin getting promiscuous in a Dr. Strange comic.

It takes talent and skill to properly direct the reader across a comics page; if the team does it well, it's an easy read. If they do a poor job, you can always ask me to help you decipher it.